Being able to stand only so much in the way of squeaky-voiced-former-rappers, I hied myself to an actual English movie last night, wandering into a late showing of Ocean’s Eleven. I’ve discovered a movie theater here in Hamburg that markets itself as having original-language films: there’s certainly enough English-speakers around, and I can see the point in wanting to see movies — especially comedies — in the native language. Of course, I was still one of the few people in the theater laughing at one joke, a gag that had obvious langauage barrier problems:

Don Cheadle (playing a black Cockney explosives experts): And if that happens, we’ll be in Barney.
(blank looks all ‘round): Barney?
Cheadle: Barney. Rubble. … Trouble.

Maybe I just found it amusing after having an English roommate at Columbia — one who would refer to people as “Me ol’ china” … china plate, mate — an experience that convinced me that Cockney rhyming slang was clearly devised after some English hops got some funky mold on them. I mean, c’mon, they just make this stuff up.. I’m willing to bet that half of it isn’t even real: They just say something like “I’m heading for the L.A.” and walk out, while the people in the room sit around muttering to themselves … LA Lakers, paper? LA Times, wine? LA, California, how’s your momma? What? Then you find out the guy is going to the lake, and the door just cut off half the word.

That said, Ocean’s Eleven was an amusing piece of fluff; it won’t be remembered through the ages, but it provided some laughs. My only problem: Who in the world thought it was even mildly realistic to cast Julia Roberts as a woman some guy would risk $16 million for? Nicole Kidman wasn’t available? Cameron Diaz? Alyson Hannigan? (OK, maybe not quite right for the part, but still …) I’m not a Roberts hater, although she wouldn’t be my first choice for the role, but on top of everything, the costuming people or somebody obviously did have it in for her, because she looked truly unattractive for all but five minutes of the flick. I wouldn’t say she’s on my top-ten list, but usually she’s better-looking than here.

The rest of the cast worked well; Andy Garcia was excellent, and the criminals managed to break into a place with a motion-sensitive floor and didn’t hang upside down from wires attached to the ceiling — amazing when you consider how often that cliche’s been repeated since Mission: Impossible.

Overall, I’d give it 3 1/2. (Like you care. The films been out for, what, two full months now? If you were going to see it, you already have.)